


lit the very fuse

by mousecat



Series: or near enough [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Christmas Eve, Getting Together, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Unrequited Love, ushiwaka is a soft boy, you can never convince me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-20 10:20:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17020842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mousecat/pseuds/mousecat
Summary: Hajime isn't sure what he and Ushijima are to each other, but he knows he's still stuck on Oikawa.





	lit the very fuse

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I don't know who started the rumor that this fic was originally intended for Valentine's day and I only just finished it but that is untrue. It was always a Christmas Eve story. I mean, who takes ten months to write a few thousand words? It's absurd, lol. *sweats*.
> 
> This is probably a better read in the context of the first (pretty brief) fic (｡･ω･｡)

Hajime was starting to regret agreeing to spend the evening with Ushijima, but he was already halfway there. There was no way he could cancel now, not without really hurting Ushijima’s feelings.

Last week, when Ushijima had asked him if he wanted to hang out “next Monday,” Hajime had thought it was a little strange. They usually were pretty casual about making plans and didn't do so that far in advance. It wasn't until days after he'd already agreed, he'd realized Monday was Christmas Eve. Since Ushijima hadn't mentioned the date, Hajime wasn't sure if he realized. Then again, he _had_ asked a week in advance, so it couldn't be a coincidence. 

Hajime didn't know how to ask though. 

They had never really discussed what they did together. It was convenient, and they could rely on each other for discretion. But Hajime had noticed their arrangement was markedly different than it had been at the start, even if he couldn't pinpoint exactly when it changed. They weren't simply hooking up after parties and practice anymore, then going their separate ways. It wasn't just that they were spending a lot of time together, either. Friends did that, and Hajime certainly considered Ushijima a friend. 

Now, Ushijima leaned into him when they watched movies together. When no one else was around they kissed goodbye. More than once they'd spent the night together -- not for sex or because it was late or because one of them was too drunk to stumble home. They would just end up curled up together in bed, taking softly until they fell asleep. 

Hajime had never had a boyfriend, but he was certain it would feel like this. He couldn't find the courage to ask Ushijima if that's what they were though, if that's what he wanted to be. 

Hajime wasn't even sure if that's what _he_ wanted to be, what would be fair to Ushijima. How could he start a conversation about what this was when he couldn't say what he wanted?

He had to steel himself before pressing the buzzer. After a long moment with no response, he remembered the buzzer was broken, and he texted Ushijima instead. After a few more minutes of waiting, he heard footsteps on the stairs inside, and then Ushijima let him in, apologizing for making him wait in the cold.

“It's no problem,” Hajime assured him. “A few minutes outside won't kill me.”

“Have you eaten already?” Ushijima asked over his shoulder as they trudged back up the stairs.

“No, no. Not yet,” Hajime said. He was distracted by an ache in his shoulder, which he was beginning to realize was from how tense this situation was making him.

“Neither have I,” Ushijima said. He pushed his door open and stepped aside so Hajime could enter first. “Perhaps I can order something from Neighborhood Kitchen. It’s your favorite, isn’t it?” Ushijima smiled faintly.

Hajime agreed without really listening. The second the door closed, Hajime couldn’t stop himself from asking. “Ushiwaka…” he started, and he forced himself to make eye contact despite how badly he wanted to hide his face to ask this. “Did you want to come over tonight because it's Christmas Eve?”

Despite what some people thought, Ushijima's face was not a mask. The change in expression might have been imperceptible to someone who didn't care enough to pay attention, but Hajime saw it, the embarrassment and sadness the settled in his eyes and the corners of his mouth. He didn't look away though. 

“Yes,” he said, his voice suddenly soft. 

“You didn't say anything,” Hajime frowned. “I didn't really think about what today is. Why didn't you say something?”

“It's just a day, and I know what we are is not about romance,” Ushijima said in the same soft voice. Before Hajime could come up with an adequate response, he continued. “I wanted to spend the evening with you anyway, even if we didn’t do anything in particular.”

Hajime waited a moment, to see if Ushijima was working up to a more definite confession. When none came, Hajime just nodded and leaned back against the door.

Ushijima must have taken that as some kind of signal that Hajime wanted to escape, because he immediately offered up an out. “I apologize if I've made things awkward. I understand if you prefer to go.”

Hajime scowled. He wanted some time to think, but he wasn't about to leave Ushijima alone to be anxious and confused, dwelling on what it might mean that Hajime ran away from a Christmas Eve date.

“I can always go for some of that place’s tofu,” he said.

“Iwaizumi, I don't expect--”

“I'm staying,” Hajime cut him off. “Come on, let’s get some takeaway. We can talk about what we want to do with the rest of the night.”

It was probably a stupid instinct, considering Hajime had no idea what he wanted for them, but he knew Ushijima had a romantic side, and he wanted to indulge it tonight. While Ushijima called the restaurant to place their order, Hajime wracked his brain for ways to improvise romance. His first thought was candles, but it was cheesy enough to make him cringe.

If they weren't teammates and trying to keep their sexual orientation under wraps, it would be easy. Hajime could suggest they go out and see the lights, hold hands, the whole thing. But neither of them were comfortable with public displays of affection like that. 

“What about a picnic?” Hajime asked when Ushijima ended his call. “If we grab some blankets and cushions, we can make it like a picnic in the living room,” he clarified when Ushijima looked confused. 

The apartment was small but uncluttered. Hajime pushed back the sparse furniture to clear space for the blanket Ushijima brought. They spread it out and threw some cushions on it, then stood and stared at the feeble effort. 

“Huh. What else do picnics need?” 

“A basket,” Ushijima suggested. “I...only have a laundry hamper.” He caught Hajime's eye and they both laughed. 

“Maybe no basket for this picnic. We should put out some dishes?” Hajime said. He tried to conjure up the image of a summer picnic, and that included flowers. Although Ushijima wasn't the kind of guy to keep bouquets of fresh flowers around, he did have a quite a few plants, including a fern that Hajime thought would be a nice centerpiece. As Ushijima set out plates, glasses, bowls, and chopsticks, Hajime found a picture of Tokyo's Christmas lights to put on the TV.

“Let's see if--” he started, and went over to switch off the lights. The glow from the TV wasn't enough to illuminate their dinner, so he turned the lights back on. “Too dark, I think.”

“I may have an idea,” Ushijima said and left the room. He returned a moment later with his bedside lamp, plugging it in by their makeshift picnic. “Could you turn off the lights?” Hajime switched them off again, and the little lamp provided enough light and still created the atmosphere Hajime imagined.

“Teamwork!” Hajime exclaimed and held out his hand for a high five. They both laughed again, before awkwardness settled over them with the realization this was the closest thing to date they'd had together. 

“I should wait downstairs for the food,” Ushijima said after a long moment. “I told them the buzzer is broken, but they may not pass the message to the delivery person.”

Alone and without any distractions, his thoughts returned to Ushijima's feelings. Probable feelings.

Although it sometimes still surprised Hajime, he was really fond of Ushijima; he didn't want to mislead or hurt him. But he also didn't want to give up what they had, however selfish that made him. He had plenty of friends at university, but only Ushijima knew he was attracted to men. Their friendship gave them both a certain freedom. And he felt like he was making up for lost time, have the experiences he was too scared to try in high school. 

After a week of overthinking, Hajime's brain was too saturated for him to know what mattered and what he was simply using as an excuse.

Ushijima finally returned with two large bags of takeout. He always ordered far too much, reasoning that it was better than ordering too little. Hajime helped him unpack and lay out the food, and for a few minutes the room was silent except for the rustling of bags and the quiet clatter of dishes. They passed their plates back and forth as they often did, heaping generous portions for each other.

Hajime started with miso soup, mostly because the bowl was warm and comforting in his hands. 

“When your kouhai visit, you know, to watch our practice matches and games,” Hajime said after a few mouthfuls, “you're always really good with them.”

“They’re a good group,” Ushijima said. “I enjoyed playing with them.”

Hajime shook his head. “It’s not just that. It’s obvious how much you care about them, and...value them? And because of that, how you make them feel, they respect you. But it’s not only about volleyball. You like them for who they are, not what they do on the court. You know what I mean?”

“Thank you,” Ushijima murmured, picking at some rice. It was hard to tell in the dim light, but Hajime was pretty sure Ushijima was blushing.

“It’s what I think about now when I think ‘Ushijima,’ your kindness and warmth,” Hajime said. Ushijima was definitely blushing now.

“I sense your next statement will begin with ‘but,’” Ushijima said a little gruffly.

“No, I like you. Full stop. I understand though, why you'd question that or whatever, because of the stuff I told you before.”

“Do you still feel the same as you did then? Do you still have feelings f--”

“Yes,” Hajime didn't let him finish, because he didn't want to talk about Oikawa. He'd said everything he'd wanted to about it, and Ushijima already knew it all. There were things Hajime needed to acknowledge to Ushijima if they were going to be anything together, but he wanted Oikawa to invade this discussion as little as possible. “Sometimes I wonder, when you love someone for years, if it takes the same amount of time to stop loving them.

“I don't know if it's fair for me to be with someone if I'm - if my feelings are divided like this, but I don't want to just sit and wait for it all to fade, and miss chances with other people. People I like, and I could - like more, I think.” Hajime had set down his bowl, and now he regretted not having anything in his hands. Ushijima watched him, having also given up eating for the moment. 

“Do you wish Oikawa was here now?” Ushijima asked. 

“I don't know,” Hajime said without thinking, and Ushijima couldn't mask the hurt quickly enough to hide it from Hajime. “No, I mean, no, not like how you mean,” he backtracked, “but I wish things had worked out differently, rejection or no. I wish he didn't treat me like a casual acquaintance, barely worth his notice. It was never supposed to be like this, even if he didn't want to be with me.”

Hajime had to pause, because his throat had started to feel tight, and he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of Ushijima. He was getting off track anyway. “You aren't a substitute. I don't want you to think that,” he went on once he'd collected himself. “I spend time with you because I want to be around you. I'm not thinking of anyone else.”

Ushijima nodded, and after a moment they started to eat again. A heavy discomfort had settled over them, and Hajime couldn’t untangle his thoughts enough to think what else he wanted to say. Ushijima saved him the trouble.

“What do you want to do?” Ushijima asked, but Hajime didn’t know how to answer. The question was too broad, too overwhelming.

“I…” he shook his head.

“You mentioned what is fair,” Ushijima clarified. “If it was only about you and me, without any other considerations. Would you want to continue a casual relationship, or would you like to pursue an alternative arrangement?”

“I don’t know how casual this is,” Hajime said, gesturing between them. “I’m not sleeping with anyone else. Are you?”

“I am not, no. That did not answer my question, however.”

“Sorry, I’m not trying to dodge it,” Hajime said. “I would want to be together. Maybe we already would be, if not for the other stuff.”

As he said it, Hajime realized how likely that was. He liked Ushijima. He liked spending time with him. He liked having sex with him. He liked making him happy. Oikawa's withdrawal from Hajime's life had a presence of its own, and it stood between them just as firmly as Oikawa himself would, if he knew anything about this. 

“What about you?” Hajime asked. “What do you want?”

Ushijima didn't seem to need to consider the question at all. “Our current relationship has been going well, and I would like to have a more official understanding between us. I think it's worth attempting, at least.”

Ushijima gave him a small smile, but Hajime couldn't return it. Suddenly he could barely look at him again, a knot forming in his stomach. 

“Iwaizumi?” Ushijima said after a moment. 

“I'm worried I'll disappoint you.” With effort, Hajime kept his voice steady, but his face heated up as he tried to suppress his feelings. He hated how emotional this made him. He felt stupid and humiliated for loving someone who would never love him back. “I don't want to make you feel like I do. It's a shitty feeling.”

Ushijima's response was slower this time. 

“No relationship is guaranteed to last,” he said. “From what I've seen among my friends, most romances do not start with this degree of consideration or caution. You have been thoughtful about what you want and honest with me, and I think that's the best any relationship could begin with.”

“I guess so,” Hajime said. “If you're sure.”

“I suggest we think less about what may happen, and enjoy what is happening.”

“Always so practical, Ushiwaka,” Hajime teased, but Ushijima was right, like he often was. If he was willing to give Hajime a chance, then he would do his best to be good for him.

He pushed his food around the plate, no longer particularly hungry. Not wanting to draw attention to how little he’d actually eaten, he stole a pork dumpling from Ushijima's plate.

“My food is off limits,” Ushijima said in a tone stern enough to convince Hajime for a moment that he meant it. 

“I’m afraid this is part of the deal. It’s not my fault you didn’t negotiate food sharing,” Hajime said, taking another dumpling. “Wait until you see how much of the covers I need to sleep.”

“We’ve slept in the same bed many times,” Ushijima pointed out. “You’re a considerate bedmate.”

“That was hook-up Hajime, not boyfriend Hajime.” The word _boyfriend_ was strange to say allowed, but Ushijima looked pleased. “Your clothes are fair game too.”

They eased into familiar teasing, and Hajime finally felt himself relaxing. Ushijima suggested they put away the food when he noticed Hajime had stopped eating, and when Hajime protested, he insisted they could eat more later if they wanted. Once they’d cleaned up, they put on a sitcom and curled up together, and it was the same as any other evening they ended up hanging out.

The same, but somehow better.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay but real talk, if the story seems like it just kinda ends, it's because I'm desperate to post something on time for once but I'm sick, so I had to cut some of what I had written and just sorta. Make the story stop. So I can sleep. Sorry (/ω＼)
> 
> But hey, iwaushi! I might always add more to this little universe later (⌒o⌒)


End file.
